


Seriously, I'm not the Doctor!

by Dabberdees



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Graham gets mistaken for the Doctor again, He needs a T-Shirt that says 'Not the Doc' on it because this has happened twice, M/M, The folks on tumblr liked my rambling thoughts, so I graced A03 with the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26255992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabberdees/pseuds/Dabberdees
Summary: Honestly, in River's opinion, you can't blame her for jumping to the wrong conclusion because the man in her husband's dressing gown really did look like the Doctor...
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 18
Kudos: 154





	Seriously, I'm not the Doctor!

The woman stood at the console of the TARDIS is a surprise to be sure considering Graham expected the Doctor to be stood there with her head moodily buried into the display screens.

But she's not.

Because a woman with curly hair, a pistol of some kind at her side, with killer red lipstick is there instead and she's softly speaking to the TARDIS.

And Graham is in his dressing gown, one he stole from the Doctor's wardrobe because he left his at home. Intruder on the TARDIS and he's dressed like Arthur bloody Dent, great.

At least he has a cup of tea, that's always a-

"Are you going to stand there all day, sweetie, or do I have to come over there myself?" The woman looks up at him with a broad, but ferocious smile on her face. He's intimidated. "Still an old man I see, the same amount of lines on your face, blue eyes this time, greying at the temples, it's a good look."

"Um-" Graham flounders on the spot, confused. "-how did you get in? The doors are locked."

She rolls her eyes. "The TARDIS let me in, she always did like me," The woman strokes the console. "Isn't that right, old girl? I just found her parked here and popped in, know I shouldn't and all that, but couldn't resist it."

Oh, well in that case if the TARDIS let this mysterious woman in then she should be okay? Right? Yeah, Graham doesn't buy that, but he's the one in the gown with a cup of tea, and she's the one with the pistol.

"Why are you here?" Graham asks instead as he drinks his tea as nonchalantly as he can. "In the TARDIS, I mean."

"Spoilers," The woman winks before rolling her eyes. "You're still as dense as you always are, sweetie, you must be after the eyebrows."

Graham frowns at that because he's pretty sure he would remember her and yet she's calling him dense like she knows him. And for a matter of fact who is the eyebrows? "I'm dense?"

The mystery woman exhales with a dramatic flair and pushes herself away from the console. She begins to approach Graham with a glint in her eye. "Kept the dressing gown, then? We've had some fun-"

Graham glances down at the item of clothing as it begins to click into place slowly. "Oh, I get it now," He says. "I'm not the-"

He doesn't get a chance to finish his sentence before the woman reaches forward and pulls his head into a deep and very passionate kiss. It takes all of Graham's control not to spill his cup of tea all over the floor.

"Graham, have you- _River_!"

"MHmmmp!" Graham murmurs through the kiss, eyes snapping open and locking on the Doctor over River's shoulder. "Mhmmmmmmmh!" He waves his right hand. "Mmmmmmph!"

"Graham!" The Doctor's voice calls out, offended. "That is my wife that you are currently kissing."

The kiss ends in a flash and Graham finds himself gasping for breath, lipstick stuck on his lips as the woman the Doctor named 'River' turns away to stare at her. "Oh, this is new-" She purrs, eyes flicking over the Time Lord. "-I quite like it," She lets go of Graham. "Sorry about that thought you were my husband."

"Uh-" Graham, on the other hand, shoves his tea on the console and rubs at his lips, trying to get the red of them, so it doesn't match the red of his cheeks. "I know how this looks, Doc, but she kissed me, I didn't kiss her!" He yells, voice muffled by his sleeve. "I promise I didn't kiss her!"

"You're off the team, Graham."

" _Doctor_ ," Graham says, eyes wide. "I swear I didn't mean- wait," He frowns profoundly and stares at River before facing the Doctor again. "Your wife? Since when were you married?"

"Oh," River sighs. "That sounds like my idiot husband," She turns and levels a glare at the Doctor. "Didn't tell your new friend about me?"

"Yes, she is my wife, Graham," The Doctor glowers at him. "My wife that you were snogging."

"She snogged me!" Graham professes again. "Honestly, Doc, I don't make a habit going round and snogging married women or men."

"Graham, was it?" River asks to clarify, accepting Graham's dazed nod as a yes. "He's telling the truth, sweetie," She backs up Graham's statement. "He's wearing your dressing gown, came out from the bowels of your TARDIS and I assumed he was you, he looks the part."

"See?" Graham says. "Why is it that all the people you know kiss me when they see me?"

"What?" The Doctor blinks at Graham. "What are you talking about?"

"Well," Graham gestures at River. "Your wife, which by the way, I want to know about-" River winks at him, and he flushes a deep pink. "-she kissed me and then there was the Master, but he didn't kiss me, oh then Jack-"

"What about Jack?" The Doctor speaks with dread. "What did he do?"

"Do you mean Captain Jack Harkness?" River questions, curious about the development. "Outrageous flirt?"

"Yeah, that sounds like him," Graham nods. "He kidnapped me onto his stolen ship, said did I miss him and then ran up to me and shoved his tongue down my throat much in the same way you did."

"I will kill him," The Doctor decides. "He meets my friends for less than ten seconds, and he's already kissed one-"

"I wasn't complaining about that, Doc," Graham murmurs quietly. "I was moaning that this always happens."

"What?"

Graham looks away and fiddles with the hem of his left sleeve. "Jack kissing me, I wasn't complaining about it, was nice, kinda," He glances up. "Handsome bloke, it was strange, but, uh, it was a nice strange, wouldn't mind doing it again if I'm honest."

"That's Captain Jack," River laughs. "Got there before I could."

"Uh," Graham shuffles on his feet. "Sorry, Doc, I didn't mean to-" He looks awkward. "I think I might just go and, uh-" He presses his mouth into a thin line. "-I'm going back to my room."

"No, Graham," The Doctor sighs. "River owes your an apology."

"Nah, it's fine," Graham shrugs, cheeks and ears still pink. "Should probably get a t-shirt that says 'Not the Doc' on it to stop this from happening and all that."

"Still," River says. "I'm sorry for assuming you were my idiot-"

"Oi," The Doctor scowls at River. "Wait, why are you in my TARDIS?"

River winks at her. "Spoilers sweetie."

"River-"

"I just need to borrow her for a bit," River smiles. "And maybe Graham if he wants to come-"

" _River_ -"

"I wasn't suggesting anything, sweetie," River smiles. "But-" She turns to Graham. "-if you want Jack's number just ask me and I'll give it to you, he won't say no to a date or more with you-"

"He wouldn't?" Graham finds himself asking through the redness on his face. "I mean, not that I'm looking, I'm just, well-"

River rolls her eyes and pulls out a pad of paper from a place Graham never expected a pad of paper to be. She quickly jots down something and holds it out to him. "Well, take it then."

"Uh-" Graham reaches for the paper and turns it over. Sure enough, there is a number written in neat handwriting. "-thanks."

"Now," River walks over to Graham and begins shoving him towards the TARDIS doors. "Go and have fun with Jack," She says. "While I have fun with my wife-"

Graham doesn't need to be pushed anymore to get the hint that he needs to leave now unless he wants to witness things he doesn't want to see. "I'll guess I'll see you, uh, later then, Doc," 

He doesn't wait for a reply as he exits, eyes squinting around the alien square. "Right, alien market place, Ryan and Yaz left earlier to go and explore 'cos the Doc was being moody, and I didn't feel like it, and now I'm-" He looks down. "-in my jimmy jams."

He feels the paper in his hands and brings it up. "Perhaps-" He pats at his pockets, grinning when he realises he has his phone on him. "-maybe I could give Jack a call." He types in the number, heart thumping in his chest as he waits for the-

_"Hello?"_

"Jack?"

" _I know that voice_ -" There is a pause, and Graham can hear the smile on Jack's face. _"Silver-fox, how did you get this number? Only a select few have it."_

"A woman named River gave it to me."

 _"River Song,"_ Jack exclaims over the line. _"Fantastic woman."_

"And kisser-"

_"What?"_

"She did what you did, Jack," Graham tells without thinking. "Told her as much, and she gave me your number, said you wouldn't mind-" He pauses. "-actually, it doesn't matter, forget I phoned you."

 _"No, it does,"_ Jack says over the line. _"Wouldn't mind what?"_

"Maybe meeting up with me, like, I get it if you don't want to and all that."

_"Oh."_

"I know, daft idea, forget about it-"

 _"No,"_ Jack says quickly. _"Where are you? No wait, don't answer that, I'll just trace your signal. Stay where you are, silver-fox, I'm coming to you."_

"Uh, how are you gonna do-" Graham yelps, jumping in shock when there's a thud next to him. "Bloody Nora!"

"Jack will do, silver-fox."

"How the bleeding hell did you get here so fast?" Graham demands, one hand on his thumping heart. "I only just called you."

"Time travel," Jack grins as he taps the device on his arm. "Now, what was this about a date?"

"It wasn't a date."

"I should hope not, not when you're dressed like that anyway," Jack murmurs as he looks Graham up and down. "Going for the Arthur Dent look are we?"

"Hey," Graham frowns. "River and the Doc are doing god knows what and I thought it best I make my escape."

"Pity," Jack sighs. "I would've stayed."

"Right, course you would," Graham blinks. "Anyway, do you wanna do something?"

"Like what?"

"Dunno," Graham shrugs. "Anything that is long enough to distract me from the thoughts of what could possibly going on in there."

Jack grins at that. "Good thing I have an apartment around here," He reaches for Graham's arm. "And good thing you're already dressed for bed," He winks. "Fancy it?"

"Uh," Graham reddens. "I don't even really know you and you're inviting me to bed, this never happens to me."

"Well, Graham, there's no better way to find out about me," Jack beams. "Trust me, they'll be in there for a while, so what do you say?" Graham swallows before nodding. "Excellent, now come on, it's not that far away."


End file.
